“Whenever a friend succeeds, I die a little.”
Gore Vidal
Let’s be real. No one likes to talk about envy. It’s ugly. It’s petty. Yet we all feel its pangs on some level. All of us are familiar with that stab in our heart when we see that someone else has the things that we desire for ourselves. And we know very well that envy is both destructive and self-destructive.
It’s no surprise that many religions see envy as a very big deal. In Islam, it is believed that succumbing to envy erases your good deeds, just as fire consumes firewood (according to a Hadith verified by Abi Dawud). In Christianity, envy is listed as of the seven deadly sins.
The author Joseph Epstein had a good point when he quipped, “Of all the seven deadly sins, only envy is no fun at all.” Because not only does envy lead us towards having resentments and malicious intentions towards other people, but it eats us up inside, like pouring water into the gas tank of a car.
Envy gnaws at our soul as we spiral in the thought of “why not me?”. We regress to our Shadow side, to the narcissistic and petulant child inside us. And in turn, we’re prone to making completely irrational and impulsive decisions. And we may very well ruin our own lives, as well as other people’s lives.
Enter the Internet and social media, which author Seth Godin calls our “envy amplifiers.” Because in our digital age, it’s too easy for everyone to share the highlight reels of their lives. And for us, acting as the audience, it’s too easy to feel like we never have enough.
Fortunately, there are things we can do to prevent envy from getting the best of us.
First, and perhaps, foremost, is to focus on your own happiness.
Honestly, I’m not really a fan of the term “happiness”, because it gets thrown around so much that it can get misconstrued. But I’m using it deliberately here.
You see, we often mistake “happiness” for “highs”. We tend to feel envious towards another person when we look at their highs. We see their highs of vacationing in exotic places, or their grand fairytale-like wedding, or their gold-coated steak that they’re eating for dinner.
But highs are ultimately ephemeral. Highs are intense, and they make you feel like the world is yours for a while. But soon enough the addictive cycle repeats itself. Discontentment sets in, and you start looking for a new high.
Happiness, on the other hand, is sustainable and long-term. It’s the inner stillness that comes from not having to chase or change anything. Happiness is more expensive than any high in the world. Because you pay for it with the knowledge that you have enough.
With this being said, it’s worth reminding yourself every so often that you have more than enough to be happy.
Here’s a thought experiment for you: if you’re feeling envious, remember that there are people who are more unfortunate than you are, who wish to be in your position. But here’s the catch. There are likely others who are even more unfortunate, who wish to be in those people’s positions. And similar situations play out further and further down the social ladder.
Secondly, learn to be happy for other people.
It’s true that our lives aren’t the same, but it’s because everyone is going through their own journey. Everyone has their own blessings, as well as their own crosses to bear. Just because another person has more than you do in one respect, it doesn’t mean that they don’t have less in another.
Tying with my first point, when you’re focused on your own happiness, you aren’t so consumed by what other people are doing. And when you get to this place in your heart, you can learn to simply wish other people well on their journey in life. Better yet, you can be happy for their fortunes, and to empathize with them for their misfortunes.
If envy is correlated with schadenfreude, or feeling pleasure from other people’s hardships, then the antidote of envy is mitfreude, or feeling joy from other people’s fortunes. This way, you genuinely hope for another person’s success, and you feel joy in celebrating them. And it makes you happy to see them happy.
A great way to practice mitfreude every day is to pray for other people — especially those that you harbor envy or resentment for — and wish for them everything that you would want for yourself. And let me be honest with you — sometimes, this can be excruciatingly difficult to do. But once you decide to let go of your ego and self-centered mindset, it frees you so much from of your own festering pain.
And lastly, accept the fact that you’re always going to experience envy on some level, because it’s just part of our human nature. So, you’d might as well channel it into something positive whenever you can.
For example, if you know somebody who is performing better than you are at work, don’t just sit on your bum, be bitter about it and insult them in your head (You probably do this. But don’t worry. Don’t we all?). Instead, learn from them. Talk to them, or at least, observe them. Take note on whatever they’re doing better, and emulate it in your own work.
So, anytime you feel envy kicking in, remember these three things: 1. Focus on your own happiness. 2. Be happy for other people. 3. Channel your envy positively.
In an interview with GQ, actor Jonah Hill discussed how his heroes, or role models have changed throughout his life. He mentioned that his hero used to be Mike Nichols, who is his all-time favorite director. But now, his hero has been his late neighbor, Geoff, who had recently died at the age of 92. Geoff inspired him to live at his own pace, as Geoff was one of the few folks he knew who was genuinely happy.
Hill reenacted the question he asked Geoff. “What’s the deal man?” he said. “Why are you so happy?”
“I don’t look around at what anybody else is doing,” replied Geoff. “I just live my life.”
Izzat Zailan 