Whenever I have trouble articulating how I’m feeling, I often find myself retreating into Bob Dylan’s music. Somehow, it can seem as though the wistfully beautiful lyrics were tailor-made for me, understanding me better than I understand myself.
Recently, a particular Bob Dylan song that has been very much on my mind is Positively 4th Street. It is a raw, angry fuck-you song, in which Dylan addresses his fake friends. It’s likely that “4th Street” is the same one in Greenwich Village, New York, where Dylan lived as an up-and-coming Folk musician. And after moving on from the genre, the people of 4th Street, many of whom were Dylan’s friends, started stabbing him in the back.
Dylan sings,
“You say I let you down, you know it’s not like that,
If you’re so hurt, why then don’t you show it?
You say you’ve lost your faith, but that’s not where it’s at,
You have no faith to lose, and you know it.”
…
“I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes,
And just for that one moment I could be you.
Yes, I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes,
You’d know what a drag it is to see you.”
We don’t often talk about the end of friendships, but there’s no denying that it can be very difficult to deal with. And what’s more, it is a universal and inevitable part of the human experience that all of us would have to go through in our lives.
As author Florentyna Leow writes in How Kyoto Breaks Your Heart, some friendships have a shoumikigen (literally: “limit of taste”), whereby they are “technically still edible, but it won’t taste good anymore.” Some friendships also have a shouhikigen, or “a real expiry date, the point after which something is no longer usable and has to be thrown out.”
Lately I’ve had a tough time of my own in letting go of a valued friendship. It used to be a huge part of my life, especially since our undergrad studies.
Back then, we used to take turns sleeping during all-night preps for our exams. And when their partner of nearly 10 years suddenly decided to end their relationship without communicating why, I was the go-to confidant. I helped my friend process their grief, entertaining huge walls of texts nearly every day, and frequently talking it through in person over coffee.
But things have been different in the past year. The good news is that my friend has finally found themselves in a new relationship. What’s also great is that they have started socializing more, and hanging out with new friends.
But what’s not so great is that our friendship suddenly started to really peter out. Uncharacteristically of them, my reach-outs started to get ignored often. Plans started to get frequently cancelled at the last minute because of “problems”, after which they would later post updates on social media of them hanging out with their friends.
I’m not the only one who experienced this, though. My other close friends in our undergrad social circle went through the same thing. Only, most of them were able to feel anger towards my friend for being an asshole. Meanwhile, I was always more lenient, and I just welcomed my friend back in whenever they did show up in my life again.
Yet, what stung the most is that my friend would often only reach out to me during difficult times, when they needed someone to vent out to and ask for advice from. And I just kept tolerating.
I think it truly started to hit me that this friendship was past its expiry date when the rest of us were planning to celebrate a couple of our close friends, who were finally graduating. Particularly, it was the moment when I invited my friend to tag along, to which they only replied, “See if I feel like it.” No more typical “problems” or other boring excuses. Just plain indifference.
Whenever a friendship sours, it’s easy to kick yourself in the teeth, and to obsess over the tiny details — the possibility that you might have said or done something wrong, or the possibility that you didn’t say or do something right.
Of course, we must own whatever mistakes we can reasonably own. But sometimes, it’s really not your fault at all. It could have to do with the other person’s own issues, rather than you. And sometimes, it may not be anybody’s fault, especially when each person has simply grown up to have their own priorities.
Though, in my case, I wish I could say for sure. I don’t exactly know the reason they have been acting up this way, because they never said why.
In painfully moving forward from this friendship, I remembered something I read from Mark Manson’s writings. It’s what he calls the “The Law of ‘Fuck Yes’ or No” which applies to nearly every interpersonal situation, like romantic relationships, and deciding to work at a new job. Here, I’m applying it in the context of friendships.
If you feel good about a friendship, or in other words, you feel a “fuck yes”, then going for it could be a good decision. If you don’t feel good or are unsure about it, then it’s a “no”. But the beauty of this law is that it doesn’t end here. Instead, it forces you to also consider the other person’s perspective.
If the other person is a “fuck yes” to you, and you are too to them, then it’s a green flag. But if they’re a “fuck yes” to you, but they seem half-assed, unenthusiastic, and unsure of what they want, then it’s a “no”.
Not only is this rule a gateway for healthy friendships, but it saves you from heartbreak and from wasting time on people who aren’t that invested in you. At the end of the day, you want to spend your short amount of time on Earth with people who do want to spend their time with you.
And as another point, it’s worth reiterating that while losing friendships may not be fun, it’s just a part of adulting. Along the way, you may find a few friends who stay with you until the very end of your life. And you may also find friends that are only meant to be there for a certain period of your life.
All of us are constantly changing, adopting new values and identities as we get older. It’s not an easy reality to reconcile with, but once you can get to a place where you can accept that your old friend isn’t who they used to be anymore — and neither are you, for that matter — it gets a little more doable to keep moving forward.
Some friends get to change with you, and some don’t. And that’s alright.
No matter where you are in life, you need to choose yourself first. Because that’s the only company that you have with you, literally, at all times.
Izzat Zailan 