Things About Life I Wish I Realized Sooner

Wouldn’t it be great if we could fix our past somehow? Don’t we just wish we could turn back the time, hide from a spot and throw a brick at our old self before he or she does something stupid or embarrassing?

But here’s a question worth asking, though, “Would it worth it?”

There’s a reason why life can only be lived forward. Because hypothetically, if you were able to go back and undo your mistakes, this would also mean undoing the lessons you’ve learned, and undoing the better person that you’ve become today. 

You and I are stuck with the reality that we can never change our past anyway. And so, there’s no point beating yourself up, thinking, “If only I knew this back then.” Because you didn’t know. You simply did your best at the time, with what you knew, the skills you had, and perhaps where you were in terms of your mental and emotional health.

Last year, I decided to commit to therapy and essentially, restart my life. The thing I’ve regretted the most is how the three years prior to that were a blur to me. A huge chunk of those years were spent going through day to day in deep depression, self-loathing, and addiction. 

As someone in his mid-20s, I know there are probably some older folks who would find this article funny, saying “you’re still young” and “you know nothing.” 

Maybe I do know nothing after all. This article is based on the hard-earned lessons I’ve gathered from my own life so far. The contents of this article may very well evolve down the road. But such is life. What matters is where you are in the present moment. 

There’s no point beating yourself up. I try not to regret the mistakes I’ve made, but nevertheless, here are the things I wish I realized sooner.

 

 

1. Everybody Dies Alone. I’ve gotten to the age where more and more of my friends and peers have gotten married, or are seriously considering getting married. A major source of anxiety for me used to be that I might “die alone”, as we like to say, or that I might never find someone to settle down with. For a long while, I even felt a sense of shame from being single. This presented itself in my interactions with other people, particularly in how insecure, self-conscious and eager I was. But eventually, I thought to myself, “What’s the worst that could happen? If I do end up alone, would it be as deathly horrible as I imagine?”

Then, I realized that if I thought about it in another way, everybody dies alone. No matter who we are, or who we are with, we can’t bring anybody, or anything, into the grave with us. We all must experience death by ourselves. And if that’s the case, would it matter that much in this very brief life if you are or if you are not with somebody?

Realizing this has made me much more relaxed and present in my interactions with other people. I could be genuinely curious about who they are as individuals, such as their interests and ambitions. And I could just have fun, without having any expectations that it might lead to anything more. Not only that, letting go of this fear has helped me pay better attention to important red flags in other people, which I would otherwise tend to overlook or tolerate. And as another plus point, letting go of this fear has allowed me to enjoy my own company a lot more, too. I could be alone with myself and do the things I love without really feeling lonely. 

 

 

2. Meditation is Incredibly Helpful. Especially if you do it every day. Meditation may be common advice nowadays, but it’s for a good reason. What meditation instills in you is the realization that while pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.

A barrage of thoughts subconsciously spring up in our minds from moment to moment. Many of them can be troubling and unhelpful, but rather than having to ruminate on them — and getting sucked into a vortex of anxiety and depression — we can just acknowledge that they are there, and let them go.  

Once you get into the habit of meditating, almost everything you do becomes meditative. You become more engaged in your work and even the most mundane chores. You become more involved in the time you spend with other people, rather than itching to check your phone every few seconds. And most significantly, you become less triggered by the things that normally upset you. 

There’s no right or wrong way to meditate. I personally like to spend 15 minutes in the morning. I would close my eyes, and focus on my breath as well as the words “let go” in my mind as I exhale. If I’m pressed for time for whatever reason, I would usually cut it down to 10 or 5 minutes — as long as I keep the habit going. 

If you’re starting out, a 5-minute session is reasonable. It’s just challenging enough, since it’s not too long nor too short. Though, do remember that meditation is never going to be perfect. Not every session is going to feel productive. And in any given session, you will get caught onto your thoughts every now and then. But every time you do, you can gently redirect your focus back to your breath. 

 

 

3. Socializing is a Skill. And skills can be learned. Being more of an introvert, I wish it could have sunken in sooner that I could learn to overcome my shyness, or at least be less shy. Whenever I met someone interesting, I would typically be trembling when I finally got myself to approach them. I would be so fixated on controlling my own nervousness, that by the end of the conversation, I would’ve forgotten everything they said.

I remember reading a quote by David Foster Wallace in which he said, “You will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do.” Because the reality is, everyone is busy thinking about themselves. Realizing this made it more doable for me to put myself in social situations, while embracing the fact that the discomfort and awkwardness would always be there on some level. And so, I challenged myself to get used to it, by talking a little more with strangers, and attending more social events. Over time, I gradually cared less about embarrassing myself. And whenever necessary, I would take note of the things I could say or do better next time. 

Another thought that really helped me is to shift your focus from yourself towards the other person. More often than not, you tend to be nervous when you’re focused on saying a clever thing, or making a good impression. But when you approach a person out of honest interest and curiosity about who they are, the interaction flows much more organically and you never really run out of things to ask and talk about. And you both get to have a fun time.

 

 

4. Life is Always Right. Some time after I finished high school, I tried for a scholarship in chartered accountancy, as my Dad suggested me to do. It was the same scholarship program that my brother was in, and he was extraordinarily successful in it. But the truth of the matter is, I didn’t know what I should be doing. I only knew I loved writing and psychology, but this didn’t sit well with my parents, especially my Dad. I tanked horribly during the interview, probably because it was obvious that I didn’t know what I wanted for myself. I then took up engineering, which didn’t work out either.

But life had its way of making things work. I eventually decided to study marketing, because I thought it was a sweet-spot — marketing has a lot to do with psychology, and of course, business (which my Dad was alright with). Finally, I felt like I was being myself, and most of the time, I didn’t have to force myself to study, because I actually wanted to. I ended up graduating first class, earning myself an exemption from having to pay back my study loans. During the course, however, I had to take two accounting subjects, which as it turned out, I absolutely hated. 

Looking back at the most painful experiences I’ve had, I could often see that they have led me towards better and healthier things. It’s just as Cormac McCarthy wrote in No Country for Old Men, “You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from.”  At the very least, these difficult experiences have taught me invaluable lessons and made me a stronger and wiser person. Sometimes, I may still wish that certain events didn’t have to happen, as they were particularly difficult or painful to go through. But then, I would get myself to focus on what I can be grateful for, because those events happened.

 

 

5. Be Upfront About Your Needs. It always used to be much harder for me to communicate my needs to people, likely out of not wanting to appear needy or selfish, or out of my fear that doing so would injure our relationship in some way. It was especially difficult for me to say “no”. Rather than communicating how I felt, I would act passive-aggressive, or simply be a doormat and quietly tolerate the situation. 

Being afraid to say “no” cost me not only my time, energy, and my mental health, but my money as well. Because I couldn’t say “no”, I helped out on errands and tasks even as I was beyond swamped with my own things. I went on vacations that I didn’t really want to go on. I would answer work-related calls and put in some work even as I was about to go to bed. 

I wish I had learned sooner about how to effectively communicate. Because I realized that you could be upfront about your needs without being an asshole. You can learn to be firm about what you want and what you don’t want, without resorting to anger, and dumping your personal criticisms on the other person and making them feel attacked. 

In this context, a general “guideline” that I like to follow is to shift the focus from the other person to yourself — or from “you” to “I”. For instance, instead of saying “you make me upset when you do A and B”, you can say “I feel upset when you do A and B.” This takes away that accusatory and argumentative tone which tends to only make the other person more defensive. And following that, you can clearly inform the other person about what you need from them. For example, you could say, “It would mean a lot to me if you could do X and Y next time.”

Keep in mind, though, that you can’t make anybody do anything. You can only communicate your needs, or advise the other person to change their behavior, but ultimately, only they can make the decision to change. Doing something to get the other person to change, like giving ultimatums, would count as manipulating. Being upfront about your needs isn’t a magical tool, but it’s the adult thing to do. Depending on the situation, if it remains unresolved, you may either need to compromise, or walk away from it.

 

 

As I end this article, here’s a well-known Zen parable that’s worth thinking about. There are two monks walking together in a village. They come across a girl who is sitting on the river bank, crying. One of the monks asks her, “Sister, why are you crying?”

“You see that house just across the river?,” she explains. “I came over to this side earlier this morning, and I had no problems wading across. But the river is so swollen now, and I couldn’t get back. I don’t have a boat.”

“Oh,” the monk responds. “That’s no problem at all.” The monk then carries the girl across the river and leaves her where she is safe. 

The monks resume their walk. And after a few hours, the other monk finally says, “Brother, we’ve vowed never to touch a woman. You broke that vow when you helped the girl.” 

The monk who helped the girl replies, “I left her behind hours ago. Meanwhile, you’re still carrying her, aren’t you?”